The Announcement

Alright. Here it is. My big announcement is unfortunately not good news. With that being said, it could be a lot worse.

I’m going to jail. Effective September 1, I will start serving a sentence of eight months of work release jail time, in lieu of  a 19 month state prison sentence.

I’m assuming you’d like to know why I’m heading to jail? About a year ago I was sentenced to 19 months in state prison for possession of a controlled substance. The controlled substance was a tablet of Ambien, for which I did not have a valid prescription. My attorney was able to stay the prison time, provided I remain law abiding and adhere to the rules of stringent felony probation. Simple enough, right? 

Aside from the actual probation being a bit inconvenient and my probation officer wanting me to find a “real job”, I was making do. What I didn’t know is that somebody had a bone to pick with me. My probation officer called me one day and told me that she knew me as Jeremy Walker. I was a bit surprised but I figured there was a decent chance she’d have found out at some point. Somebody was contacting the probation department and notifying them that I was escorting and traveling across state lines to do so. It doesn’t take a CSI team to figure out what it is that I do. Take one look at rentmen and it’s as clear as day. 

My probation officer flat out asked me if I was escorting. I told her no. She knew I was lying and I knew she knew I was lying. She then proceeded to inform me that she could no longer offer travel permits because of the information she’d received (which she deemed credible), even though there was no actual proof tying me to this “alleged” escorting. 

My solution was rather simple. Because I was still up for random drug tests, I needed to be around Monday through Friday in case I was summoned to give a UA. This meant that I could travel Friday through Monday provided my flight left mid-morning or later and returned early afternoon. This way I could either take my UA on my way to or from the airport, if need be. Sounds smart, right? Wrong. It was the dumbest fucking idea in the history of the world.

Little did I know, the snitch was unrelenting. He had watched me travel to Chicago for a long weekend and went to the probation department again, this time insisting they bring me up on charges. He even threatened to contact the media if his demands weren’t met. Probation had no choice but to follow through. The Wednesday after I got back I was notified by probation that they would be paying me a visit around noon. They’d done home visits before so I dismissed this as insignificant. 
Probation showed up in the form of two individuals. One was from the sex crimes unit and the other was from forensics. They didn’t want anything except for my phone, which completely blindsided me. In my phone was everything they needed to nab me: detailed emails with flight itineraries, boarding passes, hotel booking receipts, my uber ride history, text messages to clients, personal shit regarding close friends and family that was absolutely none of their business; you name it, it was on that phone. 

A few days later I met with my probation officer and she doled out her side of the story and I apologized for lying to her, to which she literally laughed in my face. We chatted for quite some time and came to what I felt was a fair arrangement. She was willing to wipe my record clean if I fucked her husband while she watched. Okay, maybe it wasn’t that sweet of a deal. My probation officer would recommend 12 months of work release (eight months if I behave) and upon my release, I would no longer be on probation. The alternative was to face a probation violation and serve 2-3 months and remain on a very stringent probation for the next five years, with absolutely no chance of interstate travel. Needless to say, I chose to be free and clear of probation. 

That’s my story. I plan on using this blog regularly to reach out. I have a lot of stories to tell, many of which are much more humorous and upbeat. I also plan to blog while I’m in jail. It will be like OITNB. But only season one, because the other seasons slowly started to suck.
Thanks for reading. Please send me blogging ideas on Twitter.