All posts by jeremywalkerxxx

Hello, I'm Jeremy Walker. I lead a pretty typical life, aside from being a gay pornstar.

Halloween Blizzard Revisited

It’s funny how some memories remain distinctly ingrained in your conscious thoughts while the more insignificant memories are often sent out to pasture in some distant realm of the brain, never to be revisited again. On Halloween of 1991 much of Minnesota was hit with an unseasonably early and harsh blizzard. This Halloween marked the 25th anniversary of the infamous (or famous if you happened to be a kid in 1991) Halloween Blizzard. If you were in Minnesota and were able to retain conscious thought at the time, you’d remember exactly where you were and what you were doing. I’m going to do my best to illustrate for you how the snow day of all snow days unfolded through the lens of an 11 year old boy.

Let me preface this story by stating that Halloween is a good time in Minnesota. The cooling weather and freshly bare trees align perfectly with the spooky sentiment that the holiday so robustly casts upon us. The prelude to Halloween that year was no exception. School, homes, malls and restaurants were decked out in the usual black and orange scary decor. Haunted houses, hayrides and pumpkin patches flourished while the grocery stores peddled mass quantities of cavities and diabetes in the form of fun size candy bars. In short, it was a great time to be a kid. 
October 31, 1991 started just like any other day. As an 11 year old 5th grader, I recall still having a bit of a euphoric hangover from the Twins defeat of the Atlanta Braves in a hard fought, seven game series to win the World Series. I had a vested interest in the Twins because I was fortunate enough to have attended game 1 of the series when my dad won tickets through his union, and because I was a kid in the ’90s, which meant it was my civic duty. I not only followed the Twins, I memorized all of the team and individual statistics on a daily basis. This was done courtesy of the newspaper as we were still the better part of a decade away from worthwhile internet, but I digress. 

On the school bus conversation was split between World Series talk and costume selections. The majority of students had elected to dress in costume because the elementary school I attended held an annual Halloween parade outside for all the community to attend. I had decided to be a California Raisin that year and although the bulky getup was a bit of a pain in the ass to navigate, the sheer ridiculousness of it made it worth it. As morning progressed, I remember thinking that I was going to soon regret my costume choice because of the wintry mix of precipitation that was now beginning to fall.

As luck would have it, we were notified that due to the inclement weather, the parade was now going to be held indoors. The snow was starting to stick and initial estimates of 1-3″ were now being revised to 3-5″. During the parade, the snow showed no signs of letting up as the students quickly turned their focus from the successfully improvised parade to the small snowstorm that was now flogging the terrain just outside of the classroom. Kids were abuzz with plans on how they would spend their evening in the freshly constructed wonderland and even the teachers, who toiled so tirelessly to create the parade, were showing small signs of excitement. They didn’t seem to care that the students had begun to shift virtually all of their attention to the blizzard, and I distinctly recall one teacher spreading a rumor that new estimates were now 7-12″ and that the possibility of school being canceled was very real.

As we impatiently rode the bus home it was now apparent that, at the very least, there would be a delay the next morning. Within a minute of getting home I was hastily digging through the winter attire in the back of the closet. No less than 90 seconds later I had located a snowmobile suit, hats, gloves and boots. My California Raisin costume was permanently laid to rest and I was no sooner out the door to play with my best friend Ricky.

After dinner Ricky and I concluded that if we were to go trick or treating, we would need a change of costume to accommodate the weather. Ricky came up with the idea of going as hunters decked out in blaze orange winter suits. This fit the bill perfectly as we were able to keep warm and trudge comfortably through the 6+ inches of snow in our boots.

Ricky’s dad volunteered to take us as our parents, along with every other parent in Minnesota, were still terrorized by the possibility of a random abduction. (Just two years earlier an 11 year old boy named Jacob Wetterling was randomly kidnapped at gunpoint. The case went unsolved for 27 years until the Jacob’s abductor eventually confessed and led investigators to the remains, doing so while in custody on child pornography charges. See Jacob Wetterling for an accurate account of how the events to this tragic case unfolded). Determined to get our usual, strenuously heavy bounty, we plodded through the now 8+ inches of snow, which was now falling at an even faster rate than before. At this point a school cancellation was no longer a possibility, it was a certainty. After about an hour and a half, we deemed ourselves satisfied and decided to reconvene in the morning.

On the morning of Friday, November 1, 1991, I sprung out of bed shortly after 7:00 a.m. and immediately ran upstairs to survey the aftermath. Staring out the window on the deck I saw over two feet of snow piled atop the picnic table, which would now sit outside for the remainder of the season as a victim of the unseasonably early snowstorm. I looked over to see my parents reading the paper over their morning coffee and then the sheer magnitude began to sink in. My dad never missed work so I asked, “They even canceled work dad?” “Yeah, and tell Ricky not to call so goddamn early. People are trying to sleep!” Apparently Ricky has called the house at 5:30 a.m. to relay the news that school was canceled. When nobody answered the phone, the answering machine on my parents’ nightstand picked up and audibly fielded a call of my friend screaming ecstatically, announcing that school had been officially canceled. The tirade lasted about a half minute, which was just enough time to disrupt my parents’ sleep cycle and derail any hopes of them sleeping in.

After scarfing down my three daily bowls of cereal, I quickly dressed and embarked on my journey to find Ricky. The snow was 30 inches deep and proved to be extremely challenging to forge through, especially in the much deeper drifts. I can still vividly recall the sheer number of people outside that morning. Neighbors were out in droves attempting to clear their driveways with a lackadaisical sense of urgency. Kids jubilantly climbed the emerging snowbanks with their sleds in tow as the adults chatted and joked with each other while patiently awaiting their turn to use Rick’s big 10 horsepower snowblower or Darryl’s John Deere plow. The overwhelming sense of community emitted from the old neighborhood is something that will never be lost on me and it was on full display that day as the blue collar, middle class residents eagerly rolled up their sleeves to help dig one another out.

The storm, however, wasn’t without consequence. Numerous fatalities and countless injuries racked up from a record shattering number of crashes. Hundreds of thousands of customers lost power while the treacherous roads made it impossible for the EMT’s to respond in a timely fashion. When it was all said and done, Minnesotans were buried for days on end and burdened with a costly tab that soared well into the hundreds of millions of dollars. The storm pummeled Minnesota all the way from Mankato to Duluth, where some areas saw over 3 feet of snow locally. The historically low center of pressure responsible for the storm traveled eastward, eventually colliding with even more volatile weather conditions, and in doing so, created the perfect storm-yes, that Perfect Storm starring George Clooney and Marky Mark.

While it feels like it happened just yesterday, it was in fact, a different era altogether. This became all too real after stumbling across the front page of the newspaper dated November 2, 1991. The larger blocky vehicles that lay stranded in the cover photo were reminiscent of a time when video games could only keep our attention for an hour, tops. It was a time when kids were tasked with meeting up and tracking each other down via landline conversations, voicemails left on answering machines and, more often than not, sheer intuition. And even though we constantly fell off of our bikes and tape decks would occasionally chew up our favorite cassette, we got along just fine a quarter century ago.
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Reflections of an Incarcerated Pornstar Part III. Or IV? Hell, I Can’t Remember.

It’s not a lack of emotion that’s been keeping me from writing, it’s my inability to express my current sentiments in a modestly entertaining literary fashion. I simply cannot find the proper method to best convey what’s rattling around in this tired old skull of mine. If you hang on, I’ll do my best to humor you with what’s new with me.

I started a second job as a kitchenhand/dishwasher on the weekends. I took the job for a couple of reasons. First off, I’m friends with the owner and I like the small crew that we have at this new restaurant. The second reason is the fact that I want to remain very busy. As of right now I’m scheduled for 58 hours per week with no days off. This means I’m either eating, sleeping or, most likely, working. My simple plan seems to be working well as everything is starting to run together in one big, moderately paced blur.
Even though time is slipping by at a modestly gratifying rate, I’ve been reminded a few times that I’ve been stripped of some very precious liberties that I all too often took for granted on the outs-jail slang for abscence of incarceration. I had a family member lose a sibling and I was of course unable to attend the service and offer my support. To put it bluntly, I feel like a useless piece of shit for not being there. Additionally, I had a very close friend get married and did not attend the wedding. It really sucks having to view wedding photos of a marriage you should’ve been at while scrolling through Facebook on a work break. To top it all off, my wonderful sister and only sibling is over seven months pregnant with her first. That’s right, I’m going to become an uncle in jail. That stings the most.

I bitch and moan about circumstances in which I currently have little to no control over. At a glance, it would appear as if I’m looking for sympathy. I would like to set the record straight. I have lots of support and although I’m very grateful for your reassurance, I feel that I’m not fully worthy. Please do me a favor and take the time to help someone directly. It could be as simple as a smile or a hello. Call an old friend that you haven’t spoken to because of a petty argument. Help a stranger change a tire. Pick up a shift so a coworker can attend their niece’s birthday party. Do that for me and I’ll happily return the favor.

The world is a miserable place; the world is a beautiful place. Times are changing right now but it’s not all negative. Technology has changed the way we think, act and communicate for the better;  it has also changed it for the worse in some ways. U.S. President Barrack Obama recently stated that there is no safer time in history to be alive. Fact check: He’s absolutely right. Please don’t let fear dictate what you do or let negativity affect how you act. Violent crime is far lower than it’s actually perceived due to the abundant prevalence of the media. Medicine is improving at an exponential rate, as evidenced by the HIV/AIDS cure that is now well within reach. Don’t let anybody tell you that it’s not a fantastic time to be alive.

I guess what I’m trying to say is follow the golden rule. If that’s all you take away from this simple pornstar’s incoherent rambling, I will have done my part. Be well, my friends!

Better Late Than Never

Author’s Note- The following blog jumps around quite a bit. My apologies; next time I won’t be so hurried and I’ll work on clarity. Things should be slowing down for me.

9/18

Well, they certainly didn’t get my sleep number right here. After attempting to chip away at a modest night’s sleep in what felt like half hour increments, I finally gave up. I rolled over and dug my jail-issue Walkman (that’s a small radio and headset for you younger friends) out of the mattress to reveal a time of 5:45. As I stared out the window trying to detect the first hint of daylight, I could only find the faintest shade of blue fused with the deep black of night. I figured this would be the perfect opportunity to mix myself a cup of freeze dried coffee and watch the sunrise on what was shaping up to be a gorgeous Sunday morning.

Slowly the dark treeline became distinguishable from the orange hue that daybreak had slowly begun I deliver to the sky, until eventually the horizon was met with an acute, discernible contrast that only dusk or dawn can briefly yield. As daylight began to invade the outside world at an almost exponential rate, the unmistakable glass sheen of water started to radiate through the trees, indicating the presence of an otherwise hidden lake in the distant, imperceptible background. I had not noticed this until now and was forced to conclude that autumn had commanded its annual vegetation drop.

As I am digesting all of this, my mind begins to drift. I start visualizing the change of seasons from within the facility. I start predicting the weather for my projected out date of May 1, which most certainly a crap shoot in MN. I catch myself and refocus my attention back out the window; the landscape now nearly unrecognizable from the additional daylight that crept in while I was daydreaming. 

Fast forward one week. Both sickness and a lack of motivation sapped what little shred of creativity I had left. Please allow me to brief you. On Sunday I couldn’t focus enough to write anything of value. On Monday and Tuesday I was a bit wiped from work. Wednesday I got terribly sick during day but was luckily able to sleep it off that evening. Thursday I had recreation (time spent socializing with other inmates) and Friday I had my personal time, which I spent with my folks doing laundry and then eventually getting a haircut. Saturday I was just plain lazy.

So what’s new with me? Quite honestly, not much. The foreground just before the road outside my window is being excavated for what is rumored to be a parking lot. A few trees and a generous amount of lawn are strewn about and will likely be disposed of in the near future. I am indifferent to all of this construction, mainly because the dense forest on the other side of the road will presumably be unmolested.

Today marks a bit of a milestone. After some quick calculation I’ve determined that after tonight, 10% of my sentence will have been completed (update: it’s now about 17%). The days are actually peeling off somewhat quickly, so much so I’m actually starting to worry that I’m becoming institutionalized. Maybe I’ve seen The Shawshank Redemption one too many times but I have this irrational fear that I won’t know how to enjoy myself in the same manner that I was able to do so before I was stripped of my freedom. On a positive note, I’ve adjusted to not having my phone on me 24 hours a day. I also have no real desire to watch tv, something that consumed way too much of my time before I went in. As of now, my time is being consumed by the thought of trying new endeavors when I get out. 

I’m all out of time, yet again. Stay busy for me my friends and I’ll get started on something soon. Suggestions are appreciated!
Cheers

Jeremy 

Acclimation & Zen

The worrying is over. I know exactly where I’ll be spending the next eight months of my life. The rules that I’m required to adhere to are now firmly in place, as are my living arrangements. And as odd as this may sound, there is a actually a warm sense of relief. A solace has replaced the caustic sting of uncertainty that recently plagued me. To say that I’m content would be a bit of a stretch; I think complacent is much more fitting.

From day one I’ve had the fortune of being able to convince myself to conceptualize my sentence for what it is; lengthy. Crossing off dates on a cheap calendar hanging in my cell is a sure fire way to make the time slow to a glacial crawl. Instead of focusing on time itself, I focus on the next upcoming task and spin it positively. For example, as I write this on Sunday night, my next upcoming task is work tomorrow morning. I look forward to work because I get to interact and be productive. When work is over, I look forward to returning because I get to socialize with the other inmates and eat. After that I’ll welcome some much needed rest in my cell. At this point you’re probably thinking this all sounds very monotonous my take is ultra-sappy. You’re right on both accounts but hey, that sappiness is what’ll get me through this.

Let’s talk about something more intriguing. Let’s talk about prison life. I say prison and not jail because that’s exactly what this place is. Rumor has it that this “workhouse” was constructed to serve as a minimum security prison in 1931 by the same architect that designed Alcatraz. Since I don’t have my phone on me I have no way to either confirm or deny this urban legend. What I can confirm is that capitalism dictates all negotiations and trades among inmates. Currency is in the form of “food items” or just items for short. Items are typically $1.00-1.50 and vary from ramen noodles to candy bars and everything in between. The black market lies quietly under the surface, remaining mostly undetected by the staff and oblivious to maybe half of the inmates. Just last night I purchased my first piece of contraband for one item. I was able to obtain a set of ear plugs for one package of noodles, and let me tell you it was a bargain.

The inmates are, for the most part, surprisingly welcoming. Most of the guys in here have relatable backgrounds and/or offenses, which serves as a natural icebreaker. The place is marginally cliquey, reminding me somewhat of high school; the difference being jail is actually more inclusive and less cruel. For the most part these cliques are divided by race, but it’s certainly not uncommon to see races mingling. I have yet to detect any racial tension and, contrarily, have witnessed only infighting within a each race. Friendships are formed cautiously; trade alliance with even more circumspection. 

The correctional officers are a mixed bag. Some appear to revel in the authority their job provides while others are remarkably courteous and respectful. The job allows for a considerable amount of discretion, and they are forced to use that discretion regularly by unruly inmates. It doesn’t help that almost every rule is designed to be learned the hard way, which proves to be exceedingly problematic for first timers.

What surprises me most, however, is the way some inmates actually look forward to the solace that the individual cells provide. Yes, they’re boring. Yes, they’re confining. Yes, they’re unpleasant on almost every level. Every level except one. They provide a safe haven to gather your thoughts and reflect. The boredom eventually dissipates and almost goes unnoticed. It’s almost like a dog and its kennel. Quite often, a dog is actually eager to return to its kennel. 

I’m out of time and have simultaneously run into a bit of writer’s block anyway. I hope you guys like what you’re reading thus far. I think my next blog entry will be a bit more risqué. Please send me your suggestions and do not hesitate to comment. I’ve got thick skin and can handle criticism. 

Until next time…
P.S. I didn’t have time to proofread this. 

Settling In

It’s not as bad as I imagined; it’s worse. On the days I’m not released to work, I’ll spend an average of 21 hours alone in my cell. The cell measures 6′ x 8′ and is much like one might picture it to be; relatively bare with graffiti scrawled upon the walls above a small porcelain sink that accompanies a stainless steel toilet, both of which are securely fastened to the wall; a poorly welded twin size bed frame that houses a well used, one inch thick mattress that sits opposite a makeshift, sheet metal table and chair that are similarly bolted to the wall, both measuring 12″ x 16″, and staggered apart  by 16″.

There is some good though. About fifteen feet from the classic green prison bars that confine me is a window that measures roughly two feet tall by five feet wide. Whenever boredom gets the best of me I can gaze out the window at a beautiful, diversely wooded forest that Minnesota is known for. If I stand on my toes I am able to see a lightly traveled road that that separated the forest from a well maintained lawn. Seeing as how May 1st is my anticipated out date, I’ll be forced to spectate a full cycle of seasons through that small porthole that lies approximately fifteen feet from the edge of my third floor suite. Leaves will drop, snow will fall, snow will accumulate, snow will melt and finally trees will begin to bud. If at this point I haven’t lost my marbles I’ll be exiting into the world of Spring, fresh with both visual and aromatic vitality.

There’s no doubt that the next eight months will be nothing short of torturous. I’ll be forced to endure both boredom and loneliness at a previously unparalleled level. While my sentence may very well be unjust and grossly misplaced, I will no longer dwell on it. If I am to make it out of here with my sanity intact, I must eradicate all negative thought processes in lieu of positivity and optimism. Right now the light at the end of the tunnel is very faint. I am, however, quite certain that there will be nothing sweeter than the taste of freedom come May 1st. 
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The Announcement 

Alright. Here it is. My big announcement is unfortunately not good news. With that being said, it could be a lot worse.

I’m going to jail. Effective September 1, I will start serving a sentence of eight months of work release jail time, in lieu of  a 19 month state prison sentence.

I’m assuming you’d like to know why I’m heading to jail? About a year ago I was sentenced to 19 months in state prison for possession of a controlled substance. The controlled substance was a tablet of Ambien, for which I did not have a valid prescription. My attorney was able to stay the prison time, provided I remain law abiding and adhere to the rules of stringent felony probation. Simple enough, right? 

Aside from the actual probation being a bit inconvenient and my probation officer wanting me to find a “real job”, I was making do. What I didn’t know is that somebody had a bone to pick with me. My probation officer called me one day and told me that she knew me as Jeremy Walker. I was a bit surprised but I figured there was a decent chance she’d have found out at some point. Somebody was contacting the probation department and notifying them that I was escorting and traveling across state lines to do so. It doesn’t take a CSI team to figure out what it is that I do. Take one look at rentmen and it’s as clear as day. 

My probation officer flat out asked me if I was escorting. I told her no. She knew I was lying and I knew she knew I was lying. She then proceeded to inform me that she could no longer offer travel permits because of the information she’d received (which she deemed credible), even though there was no actual proof tying me to this “alleged” escorting. 

My solution was rather simple. Because I was still up for random drug tests, I needed to be around Monday through Friday in case I was summoned to give a UA. This meant that I could travel Friday through Monday provided my flight left mid-morning or later and returned early afternoon. This way I could either take my UA on my way to or from the airport, if need be. Sounds smart, right? Wrong. It was the dumbest fucking idea in the history of the world.

Little did I know, the snitch was unrelenting. He had watched me travel to Chicago for a long weekend and went to the probation department again, this time insisting they bring me up on charges. He even threatened to contact the media if his demands weren’t met. Probation had no choice but to follow through. The Wednesday after I got back I was notified by probation that they would be paying me a visit around noon. They’d done home visits before so I dismissed this as insignificant. 
Probation showed up in the form of two individuals. One was from the sex crimes unit and the other was from forensics. They didn’t want anything except for my phone, which completely blindsided me. In my phone was everything they needed to nab me: detailed emails with flight itineraries, boarding passes, hotel booking receipts, my uber ride history, text messages to clients, personal shit regarding close friends and family that was absolutely none of their business; you name it, it was on that phone. 

A few days later I met with my probation officer and she doled out her side of the story and I apologized for lying to her, to which she literally laughed in my face. We chatted for quite some time and came to what I felt was a fair arrangement. She was willing to wipe my record clean if I fucked her husband while she watched. Okay, maybe it wasn’t that sweet of a deal. My probation officer would recommend 12 months of work release (eight months if I behave) and upon my release, I would no longer be on probation. The alternative was to face a probation violation and serve 2-3 months and remain on a very stringent probation for the next five years, with absolutely no chance of interstate travel. Needless to say, I chose to be free and clear of probation. 

That’s my story. I plan on using this blog regularly to reach out. I have a lot of stories to tell, many of which are much more humorous and upbeat. I also plan to blog while I’m in jail. It will be like OITNB. But only season one, because the other seasons slowly started to suck.
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